Well, here is whats going on: Mom woke up. After almost 2 days of being silent, her main concerns were 1. I have canvases and I want to paint... will you bring me my stuff? and 2. I'm in hospice? What the hell for? 3. There is decisions being made for me? And its not me? WHY is THAT?! 

I have to laugh. As a fly on the wall, from an objective standpoint, its damned funny. Yes, we went through the gut wrenching series of grief stages, crying for hours, getting good and ticked off, meeting with doctors, being tired, wanting to just go hide, cry some more, call off all engagements---- all to come to this place. She's awake and is wanting to return to the rollercoaster, meaning that she wants all the life-sustaining devices she can get. This is what I wanted, to be out of that loop where I may or may not make the right decisions for her. 


And- I got to hear her say I love you one more time. I got to hear my Mom's voice again. Thank You, God. 

I understand what she wants, but there comes a time when what you're surviving/fighting for isn't worth it, imo. Maybe it always is? Is it the devil you know verses the one you don't thingy? 


Anyway, I can't say for her what that line-in-the-sand will be, as its not my decision. Like I told the doc, Dr. Weiss, she hung on for 20 years with a man who treated her as sewage, so there is no telling what she's willing to survive for.


Either way, the kidney dysfunction is causing severe nausea and other symptoms, in which she is unwilling or unable to eat. Everything, apparently, tastes like crap. So.... she's not eating. Which is what got us into this state, anyhoo. Yes, I did call her on it: eat or else you will get sicker and go on machines again and your brain will tap out. You will die. Eat and potentially puke or...... die. Those are your options. (Nausea meds don't touch this kind of nausea). No matter how much I love someone, I can't sugarcoat or placate. 

For Mom's fight and ours, this is my dedication to all of us (plus, it was an awesome experience when Charlotte and I saw them and this at Ozzfest ;): 

This is so not what I want to blog about, but I've got to get some of this out. I'll let friends know a little bit at a time, but thats about it. And, just to let them know why their stuff isn't done yet or I'm late for something. I just had to take a minute.

Life's been hard recently and just when I thought it can't get any harder, it did. Mom had been chronically ill and on her last days/weeks/months, but I had to put being with her on the backburner to work at what I could to make ends meet. I worked my ass off painting, promoting, etc. The day that Mom got really sick, I broke and told Stephen to do what he had to do to get whatever job he could. I literally told him to stalk the HR people where he's sent resumes and meant it. 

Then, good news: we got relief when Stephen got word that he was hired in Seattle. I can't even remember the name of the place... Its going to be a drive, but I am so relieved. I'm just worried for him travelling that much and being tired. It is so hard to be ripped apart by having to choose between making a life for your child/family or spend your last experiences with your Mom. I chose and now I don't have to. Thank you, God.  

Tuesday, Sept. 10, Mom was admitted to the hospital with with colitis- caused by the serious chemo-type antibiotics that is supposed to help win the war against Nocardia pneumonia she contracted in June/July of this year. Long term steroid use (which is sometimes just one course) creates vulnerability to Nocardia. She had to go to the hospital... they took her off the antibiotics for the colitis. The Nocardia had no speedbumps and then took off like a shot and sepsis ensued (the infection is in the blood then).

Then septic shock. Seeing her there, swollen like a blimp and leaking fluid from her extremities and on a ventilator, was too much. There is a point in illness when you had rather bear the huge loss of a loved-one rather than see them hold on through suffering for you. You can let your loved ones go much easier than watching them suffer. I think that is how parents of terminally ill children survive the aftermath. I could survive Devyn's passing better than seeing him suffer- oh God. Just please don't ever put me, him, us through that, please, no part of that. No parent should.

So, these days are filled with getting up with less sleep under my belt than I'd like, trying to take care of Dev as best I can, grabbing a minute for computer work and chores, trying to keep more patience than I feel like I can handle at the moment, going to the hospital and loving Mom, coming home, doing dinner, staying up late and working. Its hard and sad, but its supposed to be. And I'm not doing it alone, Stephen is here and doing the best he can, too. 

I'm so grateful to love what I do and have a passion for it. Graphics, promo for the Stanwood-Camano Arts Guild, painting, loving people through what I do. As a gift from God, it has been my saving Grace. 

They took the ventilator out today, but her other numbers aren't looking good, but we'll see how that changes with this new antibiotic. She woke up talking about Mary, Mary, Mary Magdalene. Her mind isn't here and she's in between places and the Angels, Spirits, Guides are helping her to let go here by forming relationships there. They know she won't let go because of the love she has here. That is what I think is going on. I really think they tried earlier and it didn't work- she's a clinger and she wouldn't let go. This time, they're taking their time and easing her into it- but that means her body feels more pain than we here want to see her feel. 

I can't wait to share the dream that Stephen and I had. It'll be a painting, probably one of my best. Just when I think things can't get more beautiful, rich, mysterious or unbelievable, it does.  

 

Don't read this if you don't want your mood to drop like one of those jets with bad batteries. Read on if you want someone to relate to or just out of curiousity.

I've got so much work to do, but I'm taking a mental health evening. I read Damn You AutoCorrect! and got a good laugh. I even had a nap. I needed a mental health evening instead of working at every available minute cuz Mom had to be taken to the hospital again at about 5 a.m. this morning via ambulance. She started vomiting and had other "issues", while her hands were tingling and burning like fire. Sounded like an allergic reaction to me. I didn't take her, but that didn't mean that I wasn't up bothered, tho. Yes, I prayed. 

Today was my day. Stephen and I started switching days (one day is his work day and the next is mine) and we get a bunch more done that way. I was glad today was mine; I got to paint. It didn't help with my attitude, tho, like it usually does.

I'm just tired. Bone tired. What triggers my depression is stressful events that just keep coming, like ocean swells knocking me down over and over, and I think thats whats going on.

Normally, I'm a conqueror- I don't worry, I deal with "it", attack whatever it is head on when "it" happens and I'm not afraid of much of anything. But this shit keeps coming. Just when I think I've got a little while to recuperate, I get hit again. And I'm starting to get pissed off about it. God, fate, bad luck, whatever it is, give me a freaking break for about two months. Just let me catch my breath and get a few steps forward, ok?

Not that I think life shouldn't be this way, that these experiences are unfair, it what it is and I could be anybody. I would feel better if I could get a leg up out of this pit that keeps getting deeper. Every time I get my stuff set up to go out and network with other art sellers/dealers/interior designers, something serious happens and all forward progress has to cease. I get a project going and momentum (you know, the "flow" where its coming together and you're in the zone) I have to stop to write some dry assed complaint form with the Mississippi Board of Realtors or Dispute of Settlements and Fees. Its both draining and distracting, then there's this recuperation time (that may or may not happen) and then shit hits the fan again:

continued below this line.............

This blog won't be edited cuz its late and I'm tired. If there's something that just doens't "read right", so be it. Its late. Life is good and I keep it positive and laugh and make jokes, but there is another side, too. This makes me think, "why do atheists believe that Christians have to be good and nice all the time?" A post someone put on my fb page about Christians not being nice kinda makes me wonder is it supposed to be so unifaceted? Where does that fundamental flaw in thinking come from?

Anyway, I digress... no matter who you are, real life happens. Right now, Stephen is still looking for jobs, still looking for ways to make any money. We have officially fallen on hard times, obviously. I'm looking for work, too, but instead of chasing every rabbit into a hole, I'm on the hunt and not wavering from HillArtistry.

I've gotten several jobs so far, one is shown above, for Heather Kline. The other was a Amanda's henna baby shower. It was just beautiful to do, really a beautiful experience to share and vicariously enjoy the creation and arrival of new life.

While I haven't been "raking in" the dough, there will be a time when I will be so busy I can't see straight. It just takes time. I won't be distracted from it and will be ready when it happens. And I love doing what I do.

Either way, its tough. When you're a Mom, you are at work 24/7- you never get the time to just put your shoulders down and relax. You always know something is going to be interrupted at any moment and it always is :) I'm not complaining, thats just how it is and how its supposed to be. I don't get time to do the things that will make us as successful as fast as either of us want because he has to be on the computer so much and Bun needs attention and love. That is never a conflict, my child simply comes first. Its hard to update a computer website with your baby holding onto your leg, crying and wanting to be held. The balance between the two worlds isn't something new to anyone with children.

I can't just whip out the paint and start painting, either. Kids eat that stuff. I'm working on two projects for Candie Tallquist, an oil painting on one of the old wooden toys she has and a "redo" on the other one. I messed up and can't start on part 2 of the piece because I'll sit my hand right into another piece of the painting. I already did it once--- I put drying medium into the paint, but drying medium doesn't work appropriately on hard substrates. Live and learn and relearn the things we forget, huh?

Point is, I LOVE DOING IT, its just that Stephen isn't available during the day, I only get nap times and after bed to work. Feels like there isn't enough time in the day.

Had to update the henna supply page, too. Thats something that can make profit without too much work because I have everything made right now.

I'll get to it tomorrow, I hope. I had a dream about Mom dying last night, my subconscious telling me that I know our time is limited and its gonna hurt like hell when it happens.