What kicks off these writing sprees is I realize present circumstances are being discolored through the pain-filter of the past and I refuse to "live" there and allow that experience to sit in my life, unchallenged. I don't dwell, but I do dig and try to, hopefully both- understand and heal it. This is nothing new, its gone on since I first journaled at 12.
It should be said that how I see things sometimes aren't what my loved ones intend, that what I experience is filtered through a past of abuse at times, and leaves the world distorted. It hurts them and it hurts me. This isn't fair to them and I hate it for them. Sometimes I get so tired of having to work through the warped horror-house mirror to understand what they meant, if they're willing to talk to me about it. I sometimes doubt I'm worth the trouble of these uncomfortable conversations these loved ones go through, often over and over. I get so tired of it for them.
Thankfully, I am surrounded with people, especially this person, that values me as much as I him. We both came away with an awareness and understanding and more closeness than I'd ever imagined. This is what patience and love is.
What is left is love and understanding, strength and faith.
First realize we all have our stuff that comes from those first 10 to 20 years of our lives. Those habits started way back then can either effect your life a little (if your family was kinda healthy) or alot (your family was like mine.)
These habits will follow us for lifetimes if we let it. But, don't kid yourself, it is harder done than said to eliminate some issues. And talking about it once or twice in therapy won't cut it, either. Sometimes, just sometimes, you just have to resign yourself to live with it. It means some suffering, but it is what it is.
Ylanla Vanzant (my heroine, one of my fav authors) says that close relationships offer us mirrors that give us chances to heal. This is her quote from In the Meantime:
“Sooner or later, we must all accept the fact that in a relationship, the only person you are dealing with is yourself. Your partner does nothing more than reveal your stuff to you. Your fear! Your anger! Your pattern! Your craziness!"
God Allmighty, do I ever have so much to heal. How this manifests is a benign conversation that triggers a malign response in yourself (myself).
So, two loving people are having a conversation about an opinion/feeling about someone. I see that the very important other person listening to me often takes the viewpoint of the other person in the topic, explaining them.
Suddenly, I feel put on the lower realm of the proverbial totem pole. Between us, this syndrome has happened a bit, and it always strikes a chord- a pretty low one. Did I get angry? Maybe, but it hurt first. Why?
Depending on what the hububs about, at those times, I hear
"Your issue isn't as important as theirs, shut up."
"Be better. Don't sink as low as to get irritated."
"You don't have the same privilege they do to make mistakes."
"You don't have the right to your feelings about this."
and on a really bad day for me,
"You don't deserve better."
This strikes such a chord that tonight I cried, allowing myself to feel the pain of it, realizing the tears were old ones. I was almost tempted to promise myself to give in to others (later situations) for whatever reason I should-- or not bring up any conflict (strong feeling) involving myself with my love.
(Side note, in this particular relationship, I believe the habit my love has about this is permanent- and I also believe my reaction to it is equally set and permanent, so this will be a healing area for me on an ongoing basis. Not such a bad thing, as this issue for me goes deep.)