Nothing to do with paintings right now and here, I don't flower my language much. Perhaps I should... It is what it is- raised in Mississippi by a Kentucky boy and an Indiana girl. It is hard to put bows on packages with your nose running down your face, you know?
I have so much to be grateful for and I am. I have Silent Night stuck in my head and packages for Devyn. Thank you God for both Your Son and mine. Santa is coming, too, but it has been a tradition with Mom and I that we do the stockings together every year (well, part of them, you know Santa does the majority)... and I miss her so much. I've cried almost all evening.
Not much to say or do about that, just a hole in the middle of my stomach and an ache that won't go away. I don't feel her here like I normally do.
The stockings aren't stuffed to the brim like they always are, with her childlike enthusiasm to spoil everyone she loves. I have so many happy memories of her, but they are not her.
So much I participated in just to make her happy and it isn't the stuffed stockings, it is her happiness that our happiness brought her that I miss. I would have done almost anything to make her happy- although begrudgingly sometimes, when fatigue set in. Now, I would do almost anything to make this ache go away. I did, kinda, with a glass of wine. Given my genetics, I should avoid drinking for emotional purposes, but its my first Christmas without her and it was one glass- I'm cutting myself some slack. It did help. If its a depressant, why does it make us feel so much better? At least the tears stopped.
I felt so bad for sending Devyn and Stephen over to Mom's so I could consort with Santa this afternoon. They were over there, missing her. There was no other place, tho, really.
I got her cremains and a candle and put both on the kitchen table while I "did". It doesn't seem right she's not here. I got this gorgeous bow she loved, that she had given Devyn. I had told him that it was Nana's magic bow earlier yesterday- and low and behold, it is. Santa got it and used it. I saw the package. He's going to be so surprised.
Devyn saw a video of them together while she was in the hospital, eating that meal she wasn't supposed to eat that we gave her. (They would have had to drag me down the hall by my hair to make me stop feeding her!)
Anyway, he smiled, then rubbed his eyes as they watered and said "I want Nana". I said, "I know, baby, I do, too. I'm sorry." He laughed, but he got angry, directly after and kicked at the computer. All I could do was tell him how much she loved him and found another video of her playing with him with a baby doll- he was about 5 months old, if that... and then one of him running around at a year or so. He laughed like crazy.
I think he's angry at her. All I can do is hug him and tell him she loves him.
For me? No anger, just sadness when I have a minute to be alone long enough to feel these anniversaries of the heart. Its not every day, thank God.
Other times, I pour my heart into creativity which never lets me down. I am so blessed with that and grateful. If it wasn't for this creative drive, I would probably be dead. I go from project to project, thinking and reinventing and sorting. I invite Mom and others to enjoy it through me, if possible. That is the least I can do and it gives me purpose.
Tonight, I just broke down and hugged Stephen- the breaking down part doesn't happen that often, but the hug was bliss.