Well, here is whats going on: Mom woke up. After almost 2 days of being silent, her main concerns were 1. I have canvases and I want to paint... will you bring me my stuff? and 2. I'm in hospice? What the hell for? 3. There is decisions being made for me? And its not me? WHY is THAT?!
I have to laugh. As a fly on the wall, from an objective standpoint, its damned funny. Yes, we went through the gut wrenching series of grief stages, crying for hours, getting good and ticked off, meeting with doctors, being tired, wanting to just go hide, cry some more, call off all engagements---- all to come to this place. She's awake and is wanting to return to the rollercoaster, meaning that she wants all the life-sustaining devices she can get. This is what I wanted, to be out of that loop where I may or may not make the right decisions for her.
And- I got to hear her say I love you one more time. I got to hear my Mom's voice again. Thank You, God.
I understand what she wants, but there comes a time when what you're surviving/fighting for isn't worth it, imo. Maybe it always is? Is it the devil you know verses the one you don't thingy?
Anyway, I can't say for her what that line-in-the-sand will be, as its not my decision. Like I told the doc, Dr. Weiss, she hung on for 20 years with a man who treated her as sewage, so there is no telling what she's willing to survive for.
Either way, the kidney dysfunction is causing severe nausea and other symptoms, in which she is unwilling or unable to eat. Everything, apparently, tastes like crap. So.... she's not eating. Which is what got us into this state, anyhoo. Yes, I did call her on it: eat or else you will get sicker and go on machines again and your brain will tap out. You will die. Eat and potentially puke or...... die. Those are your options. (Nausea meds don't touch this kind of nausea). No matter how much I love someone, I can't sugarcoat or placate.
For Mom's fight and ours, this is my dedication to all of us (plus, it was an awesome experience when Charlotte and I saw them and this at Ozzfest ;):
I have to laugh. As a fly on the wall, from an objective standpoint, its damned funny. Yes, we went through the gut wrenching series of grief stages, crying for hours, getting good and ticked off, meeting with doctors, being tired, wanting to just go hide, cry some more, call off all engagements---- all to come to this place. She's awake and is wanting to return to the rollercoaster, meaning that she wants all the life-sustaining devices she can get. This is what I wanted, to be out of that loop where I may or may not make the right decisions for her.
And- I got to hear her say I love you one more time. I got to hear my Mom's voice again. Thank You, God.
I understand what she wants, but there comes a time when what you're surviving/fighting for isn't worth it, imo. Maybe it always is? Is it the devil you know verses the one you don't thingy?
Anyway, I can't say for her what that line-in-the-sand will be, as its not my decision. Like I told the doc, Dr. Weiss, she hung on for 20 years with a man who treated her as sewage, so there is no telling what she's willing to survive for.
Either way, the kidney dysfunction is causing severe nausea and other symptoms, in which she is unwilling or unable to eat. Everything, apparently, tastes like crap. So.... she's not eating. Which is what got us into this state, anyhoo. Yes, I did call her on it: eat or else you will get sicker and go on machines again and your brain will tap out. You will die. Eat and potentially puke or...... die. Those are your options. (Nausea meds don't touch this kind of nausea). No matter how much I love someone, I can't sugarcoat or placate.
For Mom's fight and ours, this is my dedication to all of us (plus, it was an awesome experience when Charlotte and I saw them and this at Ozzfest ;):
Besides that, other challenges recently have been:
*dividing time between Mom and Devyn and trying to decide whats best for both of them. Dev has sacrificed because I have to be at the hospital... there is germs all over the place not good for babies and he needs social interaction with people his own age, which he is not getting, his schedule is JACKED up.
*pissing contest between me and the night nurse duo who wanted to enforce at all costs Mom's NPO. Ummm, yeah right. You don't know me, do you?? Read how it came out here.
*trying to find time for my own purpose, art. This is also conflicting with work, even art-work: Constant Contact, marketing for SCAG, Sandy's request for the St. Nick for the Uff Da Shoppe, I had to cancel the logo commission, had to not go to the Farmer's Market on so many occasions, I won't count it- its embarrassing. But wait, there is more, but I'm not listing it because I'm starting to freak out.
*promoting Hill Artistry and the things that we have right now.........
*last on the list: a clean house and laundry. It'd be nice, but not necessary.
I'm working what I can, tho.
On top of that... Stephen went to work on Wednesday, THANK YOU GOD. Everything is a mixed blessing. The challenges that come with that is:
*childcare for the other commitments I have made, ie classes starting Wednesday the 9th and daytime meetings.
*not being able to go to the hospital w/out Dev--- he eats weird things off the damned floor. Both dangerous and GROSS. Why are they dropping the hypodermic needles on the FLOOR?!! Seriously?!
*Not having any time to do the things I was before Stephen started work... but thats ok, now that I clean house (the part above my waistline anyway) actually stays CLEAN ha ha.
The blessings are:
*mom is alive and awake.
*Stephen's sense of self and efficacy is coming back.
*Dev gets 3 squares + snacks, like clockwork.
*Mom's life decision-making is out of my hands, just what I'd prayed for.
*clear roles, a schedule and a routine-- good for Bun and something that Stephen and I couldn't "get together". We're neither going to enforce stuff on the other one, so we just kinda.... meander. Well, unless something pisses me off, like mud-of-hubby-origin on the floor. There is a distinct schedule to that cleanup.
*hanging out with our punkin more and more. Really, quality time. We got to paint yesterday! We also got to go to the playground the other day. Our relationship has grown tremendously and he's listening to me for once, instead of running to Dad and then... away, lol ;) He knows I don't BS and waits to use that trick when his Dad comes home, LOL. I'm ok with it, we talk about it.
*a closer relationship with my aunt, cousin and mom's best friend.
*inspiration.
*knowing that Providence (the state of being, not the hospital, lol) is at work here.
*dividing time between Mom and Devyn and trying to decide whats best for both of them. Dev has sacrificed because I have to be at the hospital... there is germs all over the place not good for babies and he needs social interaction with people his own age, which he is not getting, his schedule is JACKED up.
*pissing contest between me and the night nurse duo who wanted to enforce at all costs Mom's NPO. Ummm, yeah right. You don't know me, do you?? Read how it came out here.
*trying to find time for my own purpose, art. This is also conflicting with work, even art-work: Constant Contact, marketing for SCAG, Sandy's request for the St. Nick for the Uff Da Shoppe, I had to cancel the logo commission, had to not go to the Farmer's Market on so many occasions, I won't count it- its embarrassing. But wait, there is more, but I'm not listing it because I'm starting to freak out.
*promoting Hill Artistry and the things that we have right now.........
*last on the list: a clean house and laundry. It'd be nice, but not necessary.
I'm working what I can, tho.
On top of that... Stephen went to work on Wednesday, THANK YOU GOD. Everything is a mixed blessing. The challenges that come with that is:
*childcare for the other commitments I have made, ie classes starting Wednesday the 9th and daytime meetings.
*not being able to go to the hospital w/out Dev--- he eats weird things off the damned floor. Both dangerous and GROSS. Why are they dropping the hypodermic needles on the FLOOR?!! Seriously?!
*Not having any time to do the things I was before Stephen started work... but thats ok, now that I clean house (the part above my waistline anyway) actually stays CLEAN ha ha.
The blessings are:
*mom is alive and awake.
*Stephen's sense of self and efficacy is coming back.
*Dev gets 3 squares + snacks, like clockwork.
*Mom's life decision-making is out of my hands, just what I'd prayed for.
*clear roles, a schedule and a routine-- good for Bun and something that Stephen and I couldn't "get together". We're neither going to enforce stuff on the other one, so we just kinda.... meander. Well, unless something pisses me off, like mud-of-hubby-origin on the floor. There is a distinct schedule to that cleanup.
*hanging out with our punkin more and more. Really, quality time. We got to paint yesterday! We also got to go to the playground the other day. Our relationship has grown tremendously and he's listening to me for once, instead of running to Dad and then... away, lol ;) He knows I don't BS and waits to use that trick when his Dad comes home, LOL. I'm ok with it, we talk about it.
*a closer relationship with my aunt, cousin and mom's best friend.
*inspiration.
*knowing that Providence (the state of being, not the hospital, lol) is at work here.
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